im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
