Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Damn victory sex feels great
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