...so i touched it.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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