My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
