Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
