my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
