Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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