I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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