my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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