We won't sleep together?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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