I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
