I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
