Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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