is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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