I wanna bring you to show and tell
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
