The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
