life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Bring me that man meat
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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