I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
4 words: hood of his car
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
