If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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