Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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