Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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