I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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