tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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