Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
