I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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