i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
