Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
