your parents love me but you hate me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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