I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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