Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
