I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
