Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
