that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
