God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
