There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your cock deserves a montage
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
