and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
we're so committed to being not committed
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
