im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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