a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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