I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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