i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
