When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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