just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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