Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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