Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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