this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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