guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
