Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
