You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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