Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
