So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
