What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
