Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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