I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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