I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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