burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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