Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
