This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
