I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
