I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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